if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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