I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
