So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
