The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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