I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
