did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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