I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
