THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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