4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
