The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
