sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
