my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize