There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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