drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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