Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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