Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
