i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I haven't been this sober since birth.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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