I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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