Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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