I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
