Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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