I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
