if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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