i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
