you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
