Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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