I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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