Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
