How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
