Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
