Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize