im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
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I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
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Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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