so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
