i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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