i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
