Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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