My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
