It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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