There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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