had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
