everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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