ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
