John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
