I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We're too hungover to prance.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
