Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
