I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
