I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
