My friends, they love my intelligence
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
