I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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