the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
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I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
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He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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