i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
