i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
