So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
