it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
