worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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