I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
