Apparently you make a good broom.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
