walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
